I don't write when I dont mean it

I don't call it when I don't see it
I don't wear tight pants because they are comfortable
or laugh when there's no reason to
I don't go out on a limb when I do not believe
there is a stem worth wrestling
Its not everyday
that I check myself twice before leaping
not everyday
that I spend a bit too long in front of a mirror
wondering if my wrinkles have grown too deep
or my eyes have been ripped too far open
I don't hastily dream
Or deal my cards on the table
just cause
I don't apologize freely
Its not everyday
that I plea with the gods
to make this a time worth living for
I'm deliberate when I choose to be
and I choose to be here
for this
for something
worth more than magnificent
worth more than possible
worth more than the seams that bind me
I don't climb walls unwillingly
publish myself
without intent
I don't fall asleep causally
or wreck houses unknowingly
I mean to intrude on your will
and to long for something real
I do not stand where I do not intend to
or hope for things
I do not plan on becoming. 

You are the best thing that has happened to me

because now I'm pissed and writing again.

I'm not censoring myself
because when I'm alone
there's no one left to appease

tip me over
and pour me out
in a way that smells of roses
and leaves a dark charge boiling in my stomach

I can open the floodgates
and let the volcano spout
send flames higher
than the sail I flew for you

I can stab the mask
and drag its insides down the wall
my bloody fingertips
are laughing at your universe
cause I don't have to make this palatable
or pretty for you anymore

I don't have to pretend that I am a soft, delicate creature
with kind words
to soothe your impenetrable soul

I'm just raw
and impetuous
an unapologetic killer
of perceptions
of false pretenses
of lies.